Touting Tutors

If I were a rich man, (No, I'm not going to sing from 'Fiddler on the Roof'; that is, unless you beg me to:) one of the first things I'd do is hire top-notch private tutors for French and Italian.  The second thing I would do is hire both a French-speaking and Italian-speaking cook to make savory and healthy meals for me three times a day.  And naturally, these cooks would be drop-dead gorgeous.  I would feel much more at ease practicing my language skills with someone who understands the problems a new learner is faced with.  She would know exactly how slow or fast to speak, the most useful words and phrases to practice, and could gently correct my errors.  And none of this 'virtual learning' or 'distance learning' crapola.  Give me a real live teacher sitting across from me patiently guiding me through the process and cheering me on periodically--and spanking me good when I slack up or start whining about how hard it is to learn a language.

I assume hiring a private language tutor would be easiest if one is learning Spanish.  There are so many Latinos in the US that you could probably find a struggling college kid who would tutor for very little dinero.  But for French and Italian, I suspect that the hourly fees are quite hefty.  Merde!  Merda!  Pardon my French (and Italian).  Excuse me while I go wash out my sewage-filled mouth with sapone and savon.

I wonder if there are language instructors who would go for the same deal as the language exchange sites propose:  I'll teach you English if you teach me Italian.  The problem is how would you filter out the good ones?  And if they're going to come to your house, how can you be sure that they are not serial killers or other vermin up to no good?  I suppose it would be better to meet in a neutral place like a library, but one has to be quiet in a library, n'est-ce pas?

And of course no tutoring can compare to a long sojourn in the country where the language is spoken.  Canada's not too far away, but Italy is way over il mare.  Merda!  Perhaps I can stowaway on a merchant marine ship bound for the Adriatic?  Join the Italian navy?  Oh dear, oh dear,  life is so complicated.  With Shelley, I have fallen on the thorns of life.  I bleed!  Aiuto!  M'aidez! Help!